Hello sweatheart,
Let me start by saying that "You are amazing!!!" I am in awe of you every day that you have graced my life. I feel so incredibly blessed to have you in my life and to share such a wonderful relationship that we do. I know you think I am corny, but I really do love you and thank God for you!
I cherish the time I have with you, even despite those days when I could sit on you, throw things at your head or just bury my head in a pillow so I don't hear you. :D
I love your smile and how it lights up your whole face, it is so your dad's! Makes me nostaglic for our relationship we had that made you. I admire your quick wit and humor, even when you are directing it at me. I adore the way you still need me, which I know it will slowly decrease as you get older. I am amused at your determination to stump, challenge or just see if you can best me, and you won't until you are old enough to meet those consequences that I protect you from. I am ravaged by the hurt others put on you and those you take on yourself that I can't protect you from. I befuddled by some of the choices you make, but know you need to make them and not to stop you, because then it would not allow you to grow into the woman you are meant to be. I am eager to see what kind of person you will become, because I now see the potential, like half-formed clay that turns into a priceless vase with time and loving care. I am pleased at the choice and thoughts you have expressed, because I know that you are listening and haven't shut me out. I am dazzled at how beautiful you are becoming on the outside, but how beautiful you have been on the inside for as long as I have known you. I am proud of you when you take the "high" road and protect those less fortunate than yourself, despite the fallout, and know that when you don't, you will know next time. I am humbled when you are better as a big sister to your siblings than I am a parent, I learn from you everytime. I am stumped when you switch from my little girl to a woman within 3 seconds and then back again, annoyed with me for not figuring it out, but know that I will catch up eventually. Most of all, thank you for making me a better parent, because I make my mistakes with you first and then fine tune them for your brother and sisters.
I have so many wishes for you for your future, but the most brightest is the wish for you to be happy. Not just to pursue it, but to truly feel it in your soul. To live in the moment and feel the happiness of living. Something so simple, but so incredible sweet. You know those moments that take your breath away, no matter how many breaths you take.
Monday, June 30, 2008
Friday, June 27, 2008
Are you conforming?
I look at conforming as going with the masses. But is it really? I have begun to think that every time I rethink my decision of what to wear, how to cut my hair, where I might sit, who I might see is really more the issue than being a sheep.
Even at my age, I am sucked into the urge to fit. To wear what doesn't receive the most criticism or mockery. To do what is expected. How do I break this??? I like having friends, so would they leave me if I am "weird"? Even as old as we all are? I look at my oldest daughter, almost 13 and see her struggle with fitting in. It is so very important. But then she wants to be unique, but they really can't exist together, can they? I tell her to be herself, but can she really? I don't think I am, not really. So it's hypocritical of me to say that to her. Am I willing to risk it to be be true to me? I think I do, but I don't know if I am achieving it. I wrestle with that every time I get dressed to go out, go be part of a group or even wander around in public. How can I shut off that voice, that concern in my head? Does it ever really go away?
Even at my age, I am sucked into the urge to fit. To wear what doesn't receive the most criticism or mockery. To do what is expected. How do I break this??? I like having friends, so would they leave me if I am "weird"? Even as old as we all are? I look at my oldest daughter, almost 13 and see her struggle with fitting in. It is so very important. But then she wants to be unique, but they really can't exist together, can they? I tell her to be herself, but can she really? I don't think I am, not really. So it's hypocritical of me to say that to her. Am I willing to risk it to be be true to me? I think I do, but I don't know if I am achieving it. I wrestle with that every time I get dressed to go out, go be part of a group or even wander around in public. How can I shut off that voice, that concern in my head? Does it ever really go away?
Men???
I know it's an age old question that has plagued the sexes...but the hell! I am just mystified by the way that men think...more specifically my husband. Intellectually, I know that we are different, but truly...that different? I am continually confounded on how much he just breezes through life. It seems to work for him apparently, but it really sticks in my craw the amount of effort he really doesn't put forth and still is able to function. Then has the nerve, gall or audacity to be confused when I get mad or frustrated at him. Which seems to be quite a bit. I am hoping that his confusion is because he really doesn't understand, because the alternative is that he is aware of what a jerk he can be and doesn't care. That is more of a concern for me than oblivion.
A specific situation is our water bill. First be aware that he takes no interest in our bills or finances other than to "bring home the money" or bitch because we are scraping by. So I really don't expect him to suddenly develop an interst...I've gotten past that. But we hadn't paid our water bill, so we recieved a shut-off notice. So I told him, just kind of keeping him the loop, I really didn't expect him to do anything about it. So I made out our bills, took care of what I needed to online and then others by mail. I ended up leaving them on the desk because I forgot to take them before I left on a trip. So there they sat...with stamps and addressed. Did he see them? Of course. So I kept forgetting to put them in the mail or even drop it off...many, too many things going on that week. So I missed our deadline for the water payment. So yep, when I got home there was the notice. And I had the bill in my purse...so I rushed to go pay it. Can't go without water these days...never a good thing. So yes, I am pissed at myself, but really pissed at him. He was home the whole time I was gone, saw the bills that needed to be mailed. I told him about the shut-off notice. But just left it there for me.
I guess the biggest issue I have is that when I forget something, I don't have back up. The ball is dropped and I have to fix my mistake because there isn't anyone else. But when my husband forgets, doesn't do or just doesn't want to do, I get to be there. Unfortunately the things that he drops the ball on are items that just can't be left or we suffer. I would be glad to just let him fall on his butt (and have) but with bills or the kids I just can't. So it frustrates me that he doesn't want to be my back up. Doesn't provide me someone to watch my back when I am scattered or just not doing my best. Isn't that part of marriage? I've always thought so, but it doesn't appear that is what is happening. I haven't figured out the best solution to it yet and probably won't. So do I accept it or get rid of the issue? Ummmm...something to think about.
A specific situation is our water bill. First be aware that he takes no interest in our bills or finances other than to "bring home the money" or bitch because we are scraping by. So I really don't expect him to suddenly develop an interst...I've gotten past that. But we hadn't paid our water bill, so we recieved a shut-off notice. So I told him, just kind of keeping him the loop, I really didn't expect him to do anything about it. So I made out our bills, took care of what I needed to online and then others by mail. I ended up leaving them on the desk because I forgot to take them before I left on a trip. So there they sat...with stamps and addressed. Did he see them? Of course. So I kept forgetting to put them in the mail or even drop it off...many, too many things going on that week. So I missed our deadline for the water payment. So yep, when I got home there was the notice. And I had the bill in my purse...so I rushed to go pay it. Can't go without water these days...never a good thing. So yes, I am pissed at myself, but really pissed at him. He was home the whole time I was gone, saw the bills that needed to be mailed. I told him about the shut-off notice. But just left it there for me.
I guess the biggest issue I have is that when I forget something, I don't have back up. The ball is dropped and I have to fix my mistake because there isn't anyone else. But when my husband forgets, doesn't do or just doesn't want to do, I get to be there. Unfortunately the things that he drops the ball on are items that just can't be left or we suffer. I would be glad to just let him fall on his butt (and have) but with bills or the kids I just can't. So it frustrates me that he doesn't want to be my back up. Doesn't provide me someone to watch my back when I am scattered or just not doing my best. Isn't that part of marriage? I've always thought so, but it doesn't appear that is what is happening. I haven't figured out the best solution to it yet and probably won't. So do I accept it or get rid of the issue? Ummmm...something to think about.
Thursday, June 12, 2008
White vs. Black
I can't believe that Hilary is no longer in the race. I am not a die hard fan of hers, she just seemed to be the best candidate out of them all. So, I am bummed. I am planning on not voting for a single candidate...I am going to either write in "Mickey Mouse" or leave it blank. Not that it will have that much of a difference, but you never know. Someone else might think me, god-forbid! We could have a movement...the Mickey Mouse club...wait that's been done. How about the Mickey Wikies?
I was looking at my homepage the other day and saw a picture of Michelle Obama on the news section. I realized that Barack Obama has a really good chance of becoming president...ugh! What ran through my mind was whether, now hold on to your seat this could get pretty racist for some of you, is Michelle TOO black for Barack's campaign? So are you asking yourself, am I racist? Nope. Don't really care either way, but when it was between Hilary and Barack, it was black and female. Now that she's gone...it's going to be a black and white issue.
So what I was wondering, is Michelle too black, because Barack is a light black man, which could make him more acceptable to the general public. Even in the Black Community, that is a big deal, "how black are you". The news article was comparing the First Ladies and their ability and it struck me that it might be a undiscussed issue. I know that she is a Harvard grad and that she is accomplished...but that really isn't the issue is it? Just look at the race between Hilary and Barack. Hilary is intelligent, accomplished and has done the whole White House thing, but nooooo that doesn't mean a damn thing. What seems to be more important is whether she can get her vagina to push the button when she has a mood swing. Geez, doesn't anyone know that she is probably menopausal...
If we could judge first ladies on their politics and commitments like their husbands, then all would be fair. But alas, we are but human and when comes to women, we tend to judge more harshly. Because she's a blonde, she must be an airhead, because she's has big boobs, she as dumb as a post, or even because she's a women, she can't do the job. All we know are false, but we are a shallow society. But that will all fall to the wayside if we have a good scandal...oooohhh, a scandal is always delicious. That pretty much trumps all other issues, including but not limited to starvation, flooding, homelessness, abuse, etc...
So for the trivia buffs, here are a list of names of the past First Ladies...do you know their last name? Give you a hint, they are in alphabetical order by their last name.
Abigail
Louisa
Ellen
Barbara
Rosalynn
Frances
Hillary
Grace
Mamie
Abigail
Betty
Lucretia
Julia
Florence
Anna
Caroline
Mary
Lucy
Lou
Rachel
Eliza
Lady Bird
Jacqueline
Mary
Dolley
Ida
Pat
Jacqueline
Jane
Sarah
Nancy
Edith
Eleanor
Helen
Bess
Hannah
Martha
Edith
Ellen
I was looking at my homepage the other day and saw a picture of Michelle Obama on the news section. I realized that Barack Obama has a really good chance of becoming president...ugh! What ran through my mind was whether, now hold on to your seat this could get pretty racist for some of you, is Michelle TOO black for Barack's campaign? So are you asking yourself, am I racist? Nope. Don't really care either way, but when it was between Hilary and Barack, it was black and female. Now that she's gone...it's going to be a black and white issue.
So what I was wondering, is Michelle too black, because Barack is a light black man, which could make him more acceptable to the general public. Even in the Black Community, that is a big deal, "how black are you". The news article was comparing the First Ladies and their ability and it struck me that it might be a undiscussed issue. I know that she is a Harvard grad and that she is accomplished...but that really isn't the issue is it? Just look at the race between Hilary and Barack. Hilary is intelligent, accomplished and has done the whole White House thing, but nooooo that doesn't mean a damn thing. What seems to be more important is whether she can get her vagina to push the button when she has a mood swing. Geez, doesn't anyone know that she is probably menopausal...
If we could judge first ladies on their politics and commitments like their husbands, then all would be fair. But alas, we are but human and when comes to women, we tend to judge more harshly. Because she's a blonde, she must be an airhead, because she's has big boobs, she as dumb as a post, or even because she's a women, she can't do the job. All we know are false, but we are a shallow society. But that will all fall to the wayside if we have a good scandal...oooohhh, a scandal is always delicious. That pretty much trumps all other issues, including but not limited to starvation, flooding, homelessness, abuse, etc...
So for the trivia buffs, here are a list of names of the past First Ladies...do you know their last name? Give you a hint, they are in alphabetical order by their last name.
Abigail
Louisa
Ellen
Barbara
Rosalynn
Frances
Hillary
Grace
Mamie
Abigail
Betty
Lucretia
Julia
Florence
Anna
Caroline
Mary
Lucy
Lou
Rachel
Eliza
Lady Bird
Jacqueline
Mary
Dolley
Ida
Pat
Jacqueline
Jane
Sarah
Nancy
Edith
Eleanor
Helen
Bess
Hannah
Martha
Edith
Ellen
When...
When do I no longer have to remember to cover up my kids at night?
When did I look away at my beautiful little girl for so long that she became a women?
When was it that I became afraid to let my kids play outside in our yard?
When did I start looking at everyone, expecting them to harm me or my kids?
When is it no longer acceptable (and legal) to walk around naked in front of your kids?
When is the quota met for "how many times do I have to tell you?"
When can I stop worrying about whether my belly hangs out and my boobs are sagging?
When can I accept that my toddlers won't shut up and my teenagers won't talk to me?
When did buying a pair of underwear and a bra cause you to think that you are taking food out of your children's mouth?
When did "guilt" become a constant companion in my life?
When did not giving your child a cell phone, mp3 player, Wii/playstation, car, access to your bank account, and a credit card qualify as bad parenting?
When does the curse end that my mother gave me..."You will have kids just like you!"?
When was it that I realized my parents were full of crap? How old am I now?
When did spanking become a bad thing?
When was it that I had money to go play?
When did I stop chewing on my children's toes?
When I get to old to remember, will you do it for me?
When will it be cheaper again to buy a gallon of gas than eat at McDonalds?
When will I have to stop vacuuming because the french fries are growing?
When will we have a president that doesn't suck?
When will we have a government that keeps a better budget than I do?
When we realized that our impact isn't measured in years, but in the people we touch?
When are we going to realize there is a cure for high gas prices, but that would require us not using our cars, can we do that?
When are we going to realize that a chain email doesn't bring you luck or money, just a reason for the people who you forwarded it to a reason to return the favor, in spades?
When did I look away at my beautiful little girl for so long that she became a women?
When was it that I became afraid to let my kids play outside in our yard?
When did I start looking at everyone, expecting them to harm me or my kids?
When is it no longer acceptable (and legal) to walk around naked in front of your kids?
When is the quota met for "how many times do I have to tell you?"
When can I stop worrying about whether my belly hangs out and my boobs are sagging?
When can I accept that my toddlers won't shut up and my teenagers won't talk to me?
When did buying a pair of underwear and a bra cause you to think that you are taking food out of your children's mouth?
When did "guilt" become a constant companion in my life?
When did not giving your child a cell phone, mp3 player, Wii/playstation, car, access to your bank account, and a credit card qualify as bad parenting?
When does the curse end that my mother gave me..."You will have kids just like you!"?
When was it that I realized my parents were full of crap? How old am I now?
When did spanking become a bad thing?
When was it that I had money to go play?
When did I stop chewing on my children's toes?
When I get to old to remember, will you do it for me?
When will it be cheaper again to buy a gallon of gas than eat at McDonalds?
When will I have to stop vacuuming because the french fries are growing?
When will we have a president that doesn't suck?
When will we have a government that keeps a better budget than I do?
When we realized that our impact isn't measured in years, but in the people we touch?
When are we going to realize there is a cure for high gas prices, but that would require us not using our cars, can we do that?
When are we going to realize that a chain email doesn't bring you luck or money, just a reason for the people who you forwarded it to a reason to return the favor, in spades?
What caused this?
"Have you figured out what causes that?" is a question I get quite a bit. I have come to hate it. It is supposed to be funny, and of course I shouldn't take offense to it, but it implies that I am either stupid or a whore, neither which are flattering.
Having 5 kids is not a crime against nature or even against the American dream. I truly have to disagree with the 1ny & 2fers (that is what them) who can not seem to understand having more than their little brood. Can you call 1 a brood? Anyway, they look at me with horror in their eyes and offer up that delightful comment. Even more amusing, and I say that with gritted teeth, is the comment, "Gee, you must have your hands full?". Which in polite society is a way of saying, "Gee, can't you keep your legs shut, you rabbit?"
I have even heard as I was leaving the grocery store, "I am glad that isn't me!". Wow! And me with a college education...silly, silly me. If I did not have my little basketball team with me, I would have pimp-slapped her...but then if I didn't, she wouldn't have said it. Yes, I get the irony.
I usually just ignore the really rude people, ignorance is one thing, but you can't cure stupidity. Look who we elected President. Most realize that their hands are full with the kids they have and probably are boggled by the addition of more, so I can let those people slide. I appreciated their comment is more addressed to themselves, realizing that they either wouldn't or couldn't do 5 kids. Don't get me wrong, I am no SuperMom! Hell no. Some days I just get through, some I persevere, some I am amazing, but that is the same with everyone. I am no different, either better or worse than any one person.
God gifted me with these little babies, so He/She must think I can handle it, per the "God gives you what He/She thinks you can handle" quote.
I have come to respect those who have 3 or more, because I know what it takes. You have to be organized and dictatorial, yes I said dictatorial. I have discovered that to make a effective house that runs smoothly and efficiently, someone has to be a dictator. You guessed...I am that person. If you didn't guess it...maybe you haven't met me. I have a strong personality (my husband and friends are probably rolling at that tame word) that seems to work in this envirnoment or maybe I make it work. And since I don't know any other way, then I use what was given to me.
So to all those out there, yes, I do know what causes babies. Yes, we've taken care of that issue, but thank you for asking. Yes, I know I have my hands full, they are my hands. So unless I am asleep or just shuttling other people's children around, then I have a pretty good idea. My shoes, my mile.
So before you insult anyone, walk a mile in their shoes. So that way, you are a mile away, with their shoes.
Having 5 kids is not a crime against nature or even against the American dream. I truly have to disagree with the 1ny & 2fers (that is what them) who can not seem to understand having more than their little brood. Can you call 1 a brood? Anyway, they look at me with horror in their eyes and offer up that delightful comment. Even more amusing, and I say that with gritted teeth, is the comment, "Gee, you must have your hands full?". Which in polite society is a way of saying, "Gee, can't you keep your legs shut, you rabbit?"
I have even heard as I was leaving the grocery store, "I am glad that isn't me!". Wow! And me with a college education...silly, silly me. If I did not have my little basketball team with me, I would have pimp-slapped her...but then if I didn't, she wouldn't have said it. Yes, I get the irony.
I usually just ignore the really rude people, ignorance is one thing, but you can't cure stupidity. Look who we elected President. Most realize that their hands are full with the kids they have and probably are boggled by the addition of more, so I can let those people slide. I appreciated their comment is more addressed to themselves, realizing that they either wouldn't or couldn't do 5 kids. Don't get me wrong, I am no SuperMom! Hell no. Some days I just get through, some I persevere, some I am amazing, but that is the same with everyone. I am no different, either better or worse than any one person.
God gifted me with these little babies, so He/She must think I can handle it, per the "God gives you what He/She thinks you can handle" quote.
I have come to respect those who have 3 or more, because I know what it takes. You have to be organized and dictatorial, yes I said dictatorial. I have discovered that to make a effective house that runs smoothly and efficiently, someone has to be a dictator. You guessed...I am that person. If you didn't guess it...maybe you haven't met me. I have a strong personality (my husband and friends are probably rolling at that tame word) that seems to work in this envirnoment or maybe I make it work. And since I don't know any other way, then I use what was given to me.
So to all those out there, yes, I do know what causes babies. Yes, we've taken care of that issue, but thank you for asking. Yes, I know I have my hands full, they are my hands. So unless I am asleep or just shuttling other people's children around, then I have a pretty good idea. My shoes, my mile.
So before you insult anyone, walk a mile in their shoes. So that way, you are a mile away, with their shoes.
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