I had a conversation with a good friend of mine not too long about about titles. Not just titles, like Mr. or Mrs., the essences of titles and what they mean to our identity. My friend and I are both "stay-at-home mothers" which means to the outside world, sit at home and eat bon-bons. To other @home moms we are amazing, multi-tasking, dynamos that need monuments or metals for all the unappreciated, unrealized and unrated attention we get.
She was brimming with anger for the responses she had been receiving from people in her life. The disdain others, i.e. doctors, teachers, PTA, family members were giving her because staying at home was "all she was doing".
I laughed at that. Can you believe such malarkey? I can't! My back has never hurt more, my feet have never throbbed more, I have never been more exhausted and I never ever seem to be able to finish my projects. Gee whiz, I bet that's not a problem for people who have "jobs". Who have a title they can bank on.
What we realized in our lively discussion is that without a title to "bank" on (money in the bank), you really aren't considered a viable person in society. If you can't show your worth via income and a title, who are you? After you ask someone their name, don't you ask a person what they "do"? Because we all know that defines the person, more so with men than women, but what we do gives us a facet.
So is being a mommy enough? That is what we debated back and forth and what we both concluded...Hell No! At least not for us. I believe in being at home for my kids with all my heart, but does it fulfill me? Not entirely. That drives me to do other things to fill that part in me that needs more of an identity. Volunteering, creating, designing, doing. That way when someone asks, what do you do...I can answer, how do you mean? In my personal, professional, private, spiritual life?
I watched an interview from a well know journalist (name escapes me now), female, who quit her job to stay at home with her kids. She went on to write a very controversial article about how she loved her kids, but didn't really like them. Well, you can imagine the response that got!!! Oooohh...she was flamed! How dare she say that and what a bad mother she was. What she was trying to say was that, she loved her kids and wanted to be there for them, but they didn't entirely fulfill her. She wanted more, craved more in her soul. I could identify with her.
Ironically the people who are most critical are working mothers. Which I would have thought would be the most sympathetic or more empathic to stay at home mothers. But after watching a really horrific Oprah about the opposing sides, WOW, it blew my mind. I couldn't believe the amount of prejudice and disdain working moms had for at home moms. Made me wonder what side we were all on.
In my wondering I have hit upon a theory; we (moms) are so caught up in our kids and husbands and what their needs are, we forget ourselves. We forget we are and were interesting people before. Before we met our spouses, before we gave birth. We went to college, attended art shows, plays, concerts. We write stories, drew pictures, sang beautiful songs...before. We did so many things before we became "MOM".
We let "MOM" define us and forget that we have a name. We are more than so-and-so's mom, more than so-and-so's wife. We forget that we can be separate than our family. That we have an identity beyond them and separate from them, that it is all ours. But of course, that comes with a price. Guilt. And for some, it's worth paying. But for others, the alternative is creating a headstone for wonderful and dear women that this world should know.
Sunday, September 07, 2008
Monday, August 18, 2008
Fast, fast and faster
Okay, I've always considered myself pretty savvy with anything electronic or along those lines. I can program a VCR, wire my own stereo system, write computer programs, and work through a Microsoft issue on the computer...but I have realized, I am reaching that time. You know, that time when you are getting too old to keep up with the tech-life.
Sure, I can text, but it takes me FOREVER. I can even do it on the road while I am driving...(don't tell the cops!) usually finishing a 30 word (all written out, of course) essay by the time I have reached Tacoma. Then I watch my daughter whip messages back and forth like gun fire. It amazes me! There is even a special way to hold the phone/mobile so you can do it faster, I haven't mastered that at all. And, wait for this, I now know I am old...I don't want to. There is going to be a new carpal tunnel syndrome...something like text thumb syndrome or mobile wrist syndrome.
But I just can't get over the spelling! I went to school and even college so I could learn proper English, speaking or writing. Now all I see is Spktxt! Kids learning the quickest way to write, but is it grammatically correct or even spelled correctly? Heck no! Now, I just heard on the news that a school is teaching kids to write words and sentences phonetically...geez whiz, it's no wonder we rank so low on the education ladder. Can you imagine competing on a world level by text writing? Shudder to think so.
So I must say that I am keeping up as much as my deteriorating body can. I can still sit at a computer and work code and noodle out the Microsoft issues, but I don't think I'll ever get a laptop. Those little mouse pads kill me. So as things get smaller, more intricate and faster, I will continue to get bigger across my backside and try to keep up. :D
Sure, I can text, but it takes me FOREVER. I can even do it on the road while I am driving...(don't tell the cops!) usually finishing a 30 word (all written out, of course) essay by the time I have reached Tacoma. Then I watch my daughter whip messages back and forth like gun fire. It amazes me! There is even a special way to hold the phone/mobile so you can do it faster, I haven't mastered that at all. And, wait for this, I now know I am old...I don't want to. There is going to be a new carpal tunnel syndrome...something like text thumb syndrome or mobile wrist syndrome.
But I just can't get over the spelling! I went to school and even college so I could learn proper English, speaking or writing. Now all I see is Spktxt! Kids learning the quickest way to write, but is it grammatically correct or even spelled correctly? Heck no! Now, I just heard on the news that a school is teaching kids to write words and sentences phonetically...geez whiz, it's no wonder we rank so low on the education ladder. Can you imagine competing on a world level by text writing? Shudder to think so.
So I must say that I am keeping up as much as my deteriorating body can. I can still sit at a computer and work code and noodle out the Microsoft issues, but I don't think I'll ever get a laptop. Those little mouse pads kill me. So as things get smaller, more intricate and faster, I will continue to get bigger across my backside and try to keep up. :D
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
Rumors
Nothing infuriates me more than being accused of something that I haven't done...and then being in trouble for it. Ugh!!! I have discovered that even in America you can be tried and convicted on a thought. Not in a court of law, mind you, but in a rumor. The subtltey of it is what is the most cutting to it's power. There is always a grain of truth, especially to get people to buy it, but the teller has so much ability to add what she wishes.
Words can damage so many things, people or situations. Look at many politicians that have lost races or careers based upon a rumor. The story always gets blown out of porportion because it's always more juicy to add your own twist, so then the truth is so mired in bullshit that you can't possilby see what it was that really started.
I watch my daughter navigate the halls of her middle school and see the viciousness of the girls she must contend with. I know this brings out that particular trait within her, just to survive. I see it everyday when she comes home, wearing it like a cloak to protect her while she is "learning". I've read Queenbees and Wannabees and have seen it broken down into it's elements, so on a analytical level, it makes sense.
But what attounds me, we women never grow out it. Every situation I have encountered, there is still that dynamic that surrounds women. Why? There are those who don't play the "game", but they probably never did or maybe they just grew up. I said "we" because I was very good at it in school...so hateful, I look back and wish I could have been different. I know that I can't, I just take it and learn and hope to be a better person and more importantly pass this onto my daughters. So, I'll take this, learn and grow...what else can I do?
Words can damage so many things, people or situations. Look at many politicians that have lost races or careers based upon a rumor. The story always gets blown out of porportion because it's always more juicy to add your own twist, so then the truth is so mired in bullshit that you can't possilby see what it was that really started.
I watch my daughter navigate the halls of her middle school and see the viciousness of the girls she must contend with. I know this brings out that particular trait within her, just to survive. I see it everyday when she comes home, wearing it like a cloak to protect her while she is "learning". I've read Queenbees and Wannabees and have seen it broken down into it's elements, so on a analytical level, it makes sense.
But what attounds me, we women never grow out it. Every situation I have encountered, there is still that dynamic that surrounds women. Why? There are those who don't play the "game", but they probably never did or maybe they just grew up. I said "we" because I was very good at it in school...so hateful, I look back and wish I could have been different. I know that I can't, I just take it and learn and hope to be a better person and more importantly pass this onto my daughters. So, I'll take this, learn and grow...what else can I do?
Friday, July 18, 2008
My Friend
How many people do we have in our lives that are truly our friends? A friend that you can call at 2am and they will answer because it's you. A friend that will listen to you blubber, ramble or chatter about anything, because it's you. I guess I am lucky, because I have a couple of people in my life that fits that bill. I can't imagine my life without them. There has been others that have come and gone in my life I had hoped we would be close, but alas no. So I developed a hierarchy of friendship:
Siamese Twin Friend - This is the person you love to hug and talk with. Nothing is sacred, you have both seen the worst and best of each other...and still like them. This is the person who you want raising your kids, the first person you want to tell you've won the lottery, the person you ask when something strange is growing on your body and the person you sign on for your living will. You can't imagine a day without talking with them and they are probably the first numbers before 911 on your speed dial.
Secret-Keepers - This is a person who has probably known you for a long time. Who has one or more delicious secrets on you and you probably have some on them. This person can be a family member, spouse or someone you grew up with. You generally stay in touch with them and are privy to a lot of details in their lives, but not all. There is a line in this relationship, such as, you would call them if you were dying but they may not be the first call. This is still a close and intimate relationship but not as close as a Siamese friend would be.
Live-In - This is a person that you have or are living with. These people can exist as Siamese or below that because living with someone creates a bond that you may not share with another. Sometimes these people can be spouses, friends and/or family members. This is an intimate relationship because you get to see what they are really like when they are not "trying" to impress you...and you them. Where they put their dirty laundry, how much of a pig they really are, do they shower as often as they should, things like that. Despite the intimacy, you both "do your own thing".
Borrower - This is a person you can call if you need something, but keep it between the normal working hours of 10am - 8pm. You have spent time together and generally get on well, the conversation has usually 2-3 main topics that you share. This is a nice safe relationship because it doesn't really require too much emotional depth, it's easy and safe. You can usually borrow things from them and visa-versa, such as clothes, lawn equipment, cars. These types of friends are nice to have as neighbors.
Co-Worker - This is a person that you work with on a pretty regular basis. You are friendly with this person and share general information about your lives. Sometimes you get together outside of work, movies, drinks, etc. This person can develop into more but usually not. You both share a common point in your lives and once that connection is gone, the friendship dwindles. Some try to maintain, but without that daily dose that made the union, it just becomes to difficult and usually drops off within months.
I'll-Drink-to-That - These are the friends you drink with. Usually more than one, because drinking in a group is so much more fun! They are the life of the party, or maybe it's you, but beyond that you have no idea what they are like. Sometimes you see them at their worst, puking or sputtering about life, but you take it in stride because that is part of the party code. You care enough about them that you don't want to see them drink-and-drive.
Dude - This a person you see at different functions, events or gatherings. You definitely know their name and generally like them, but really don't see each other much beyond that. Ironically this can be family members as much as a friend. You share something, but it is kind of distant.
Whoya - This person is a friend of a friend. Comes with a package deal, sometimes with a spouse or another friend. You might like them but when it comes down to it, you won't pursue a relationship beyond where it is.
Parental - This is a person you are friendly to because your kids like each other. Generally you share small talk and visit while your kids play. The occasion you see them usually occur around birthdays, school functions, sporting events, club meetings or at the grocery store. You might remember their name, but have to think about it. These people can move up the list into another friend category but probably not. Backgrounds, personal philosophies, religion usually play a factor into not maintaining the friendship.
Most people float around the bottom of the list, sometimes straddling more than one category, but very few make it to the top 3. Sort of like the cream rising in your friendship. I have struggled with this in my head for a long time. What makes a friend? Why do some exist where they are and some don't? If you don't have people in your top three, what does that mean for you? If you have a lot...are you being real? After my kids, my friends play a serious role in my life, and make a dramatic effect on my life. I have discovered that if I don't get "out" more and expand my horizons then my list of friends dwindles. And to top that...I am getting older, which means they will start to die off as well, so..."make new friends, but keep the old..."
Siamese Twin Friend - This is the person you love to hug and talk with. Nothing is sacred, you have both seen the worst and best of each other...and still like them. This is the person who you want raising your kids, the first person you want to tell you've won the lottery, the person you ask when something strange is growing on your body and the person you sign on for your living will. You can't imagine a day without talking with them and they are probably the first numbers before 911 on your speed dial.
Secret-Keepers - This is a person who has probably known you for a long time. Who has one or more delicious secrets on you and you probably have some on them. This person can be a family member, spouse or someone you grew up with. You generally stay in touch with them and are privy to a lot of details in their lives, but not all. There is a line in this relationship, such as, you would call them if you were dying but they may not be the first call. This is still a close and intimate relationship but not as close as a Siamese friend would be.
Live-In - This is a person that you have or are living with. These people can exist as Siamese or below that because living with someone creates a bond that you may not share with another. Sometimes these people can be spouses, friends and/or family members. This is an intimate relationship because you get to see what they are really like when they are not "trying" to impress you...and you them. Where they put their dirty laundry, how much of a pig they really are, do they shower as often as they should, things like that. Despite the intimacy, you both "do your own thing".
Borrower - This is a person you can call if you need something, but keep it between the normal working hours of 10am - 8pm. You have spent time together and generally get on well, the conversation has usually 2-3 main topics that you share. This is a nice safe relationship because it doesn't really require too much emotional depth, it's easy and safe. You can usually borrow things from them and visa-versa, such as clothes, lawn equipment, cars. These types of friends are nice to have as neighbors.
Co-Worker - This is a person that you work with on a pretty regular basis. You are friendly with this person and share general information about your lives. Sometimes you get together outside of work, movies, drinks, etc. This person can develop into more but usually not. You both share a common point in your lives and once that connection is gone, the friendship dwindles. Some try to maintain, but without that daily dose that made the union, it just becomes to difficult and usually drops off within months.
I'll-Drink-to-That - These are the friends you drink with. Usually more than one, because drinking in a group is so much more fun! They are the life of the party, or maybe it's you, but beyond that you have no idea what they are like. Sometimes you see them at their worst, puking or sputtering about life, but you take it in stride because that is part of the party code. You care enough about them that you don't want to see them drink-and-drive.
Dude - This a person you see at different functions, events or gatherings. You definitely know their name and generally like them, but really don't see each other much beyond that. Ironically this can be family members as much as a friend. You share something, but it is kind of distant.
Whoya - This person is a friend of a friend. Comes with a package deal, sometimes with a spouse or another friend. You might like them but when it comes down to it, you won't pursue a relationship beyond where it is.
Parental - This is a person you are friendly to because your kids like each other. Generally you share small talk and visit while your kids play. The occasion you see them usually occur around birthdays, school functions, sporting events, club meetings or at the grocery store. You might remember their name, but have to think about it. These people can move up the list into another friend category but probably not. Backgrounds, personal philosophies, religion usually play a factor into not maintaining the friendship.
Most people float around the bottom of the list, sometimes straddling more than one category, but very few make it to the top 3. Sort of like the cream rising in your friendship. I have struggled with this in my head for a long time. What makes a friend? Why do some exist where they are and some don't? If you don't have people in your top three, what does that mean for you? If you have a lot...are you being real? After my kids, my friends play a serious role in my life, and make a dramatic effect on my life. I have discovered that if I don't get "out" more and expand my horizons then my list of friends dwindles. And to top that...I am getting older, which means they will start to die off as well, so..."make new friends, but keep the old..."
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