Good Ol' Doc

So I took Ayla in to the doctor to see what the "lump" was all about. Yep, I called as soon as I got up and left a message at their office that I needed an appointment today. Did I get it, you bet! They are amazing at the office and Dr. Bridge is a jewel. He has a thing for Jelly Beans, M&M's and silly ties.

The official diagnose (so far) is Cat Scratch Fever, treatment antibiotics. But the rub was that he wasn't sure what it was. Gee whiz, am I the only one who hates to hear doctors say that? Their confusion and stabbing in the dark always worries me. I know they aren't God, but if they don't know, then we rely on their "best guess". I would rather go play at a casino with my "best guess" then throw the dice with my kids health. But that is what I get to do. Play the odds and go from there. Not the happiest course, but a course none-the-less. I like having action, so I guess that's something. Plus, I do trust the kid's doc, he is thorough and thoughtful about his diagnosis and I know if he didn't know or have a best guess, he would find out.

A lump

I found a lump last night. Not on myself, but on my daughter. To me that scared me worse than if it was me. At first I thought it was her little breast bud, but it wasn't in the right place. Then when she kept saying "Ouch" every time I touched it. I thought maybe she hurt herself, her rib or just a bruise, but it moves separate from the rib and under the skin. That is when the greasy, oily, black knot of fear coiled in my belly. My next debate came deciding if I should take her into the hospital, it was late at night. But what could they do with her, it didn't appear to be affecting her motor functions, she could still use her arm and shoulder, it was just a spot that jutted out from her body. A little piece of hell.

So of course I start thinking about the big "C". What ifs run through my mind, wondering of what it is, what it could be, worries that I can do nothing about. I don't want to be one of "Those People". Those parents that realize how truly fragile your child is. Those people that watch their little baby suffer and feel that helpless frustration. Those people that walk that line between what was and what could be. My stomach aches from the knowledge that this could be for her. This could be the road she needs to walk, but it makes me so incredibly sad and angry.

But I don't know yet, and that is the worst. Now I just wait until I see the doctor. Or wait if he can't tell us and see another. I don't know. The potential for what it could be scares me and I hope that I am worrying for nothing, that it's just a bruise or something else innocuous. Now I just wait. And I pray.